twisted.paranoid.complicated.[v3]

2007-08-31T01:47:00.000+10:00

Of course I'm not yet done talking about you. I spent most of the day already doing so, but I'm just not done yet.

You probably don't know about this blog, so there, I'm free to write whatever I want.

How do I deal with this? I thought I had it all figured out -- I was gonna stay out of your way, keep to myself most of the time, even when we're together, and not be the same Leigh that you knew before. Obviously, I wasn't able to do any of these, that's why I'm ranting.

I don't understand how you can just come back as if nothing happened. I don't get why after all this time, I still feel the same. Your presence still comforts me, more than any other person I know. Hay. I can't believe after all this time, I still feel the same. For once I feel that I'm taken care of, instead of me taking care of everyone else.

How do I remedy this? What do I do? I can't just simply say that I'll stay away from you, because truth be told, its not that easy. It's like finding you again, only to lose you another time. You broke me before, and now, you're trying to fix me up, and I don't know how to deal with it.

2007-05-13T00:46:00.000+10:00

Okay, I'm getting totally paranoid. I've been hearing stuff outside that are kinda unusual. I don't know what they are. They sound like explosions or something. I'm tempted to think of the sounds as gunshots, but then again, they may just as well be sounds of firecrackers or something. So, is this how it feels to live outside a military base? Probably. Sorry, I'm just not used to it. After living inside a military base for 19 years, having unusual sounds like that really just scares me.

Elections this Monday -- probably the reason why I'm overly paranoid. I'm praying it'll be a relatively quiet and peaceful one. It feels weird actually. I know there'll be cheating (After all, this is the Philippines. Totally wrong mentality, I know, but then, I wasn't born yesterday.), but a part of me still wishes for a clean elections.

Well, as I may have mentioned in my other blogs, I'm proud that I volunteered for Bantay Bilang. I don't know exactly how big of an impact my one shift could have, but nonetheless, I volunteered for something totally outside of myself and outside of Kythe, so I'm happy. I'm also proud that I actually defied my dad in volunteering. Not that he was violently against it, but he was against it. You know what I mean. I thought, it was time for me to start acting like a productive member of society, and what best way to show your love for your country than by at least trying to help ensure clean elections. I know my one shift could not do a lot, but I helped, and I'm just happy with that. I'm still looking for one more shift on the 17th, and I'm looking for people to go with me. :)

2007-04-21T04:53:00.000+10:00

When She Cries
Restless Heart

The road I have traveled on
Is paved with good intentions
It's littered with broken dreams
That never quite came true
When all of my hopes were dying
Her love kept me trying
And she does her best to hide the pain that
she's been through

When she cries at night
And she doesn't think that I can hear her
She tries to hide
all the fear she feels inside
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
she cries

She's always been there for me
Whenever I've fallen
When nobody else believed
She'd be there by my side
I don't know how she takes it
Just once I'd like to make it
Then there'll be tears of joy
That fill her loving eyes

When she cries at night
And she doesn't think that I can hear her
She tries to hide all the fear she feels inside
So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

So I pray this time
I can be the man that she deserves
'Cause I die a little each time
When she cries

... this is all because of PBB. Hahahaha, another one of my rediscovered songs. :)

2007-04-21T04:31:00.000+10:00

I want so many things back.

Anyway, nakakainis, walang multiply!

2007-04-17T03:52:00.000+10:00

I don't understand why I've been having trouble sleeping. It's now almost one and a half weeks that I haven't been able to have even 7 hours of sleep. That's weird because I'm having all nighters now that its summer vacation, instead of when there's class. Wtf?

I'm tired, I know. But why can't I seem to stop? I can't seem to stay put in the house and just watch DVDs or something. Take today for example. Instead of just resting because I just got home from the summer camp yesterday, I went out with Francis. I wasn't feeling very well, but I still went out. What's with that??

Hay. This just goes to show how much control I have over myself. I can't seem to just say NO.

Anyway, I spent tonight with Francis, hanging out at Bonifacio High Street. To those who haven't been there, it's a really nice place if all you want to do is just hang out. Anyway, that's exactly what Francis and I did. We ate at that American resto, walked around (and saw Clare with Gary and her family too!), played at Timezone, and hung out more at Starbucks. Afterwards, we went to Dasma to hang out more at the park while blowing the bubbles we got from playing at Timezone.

Apparently, we got to talk about sooooo much stuff. These are the times wherein I'm so happy I have such great friends. I want to feel like this all the time. :)

2007-04-15T23:26:00.000+10:00

I'm back from the summer camp. Despite the fact that I've only had about eleven (read, ELEVEN) hours of sleep this past 3 nights, I am awake right now.

I don't want to be emo, but it's all sinking in.

You know what, I really don't regret spending this much time and energy in my org. Kythe has given me so much, and again, the summer camp has proven this to me. My heart is overflowing with so much love for them right now. Suddenly, I miss all the noise, all the gulo, all the kakulitan, the jokes.. everything. The house seems so quiet all of a sudden.

I won't go into the details here of what happened. Suffice it to say, I enjoyed those three days immensely. Despite the masks, the hairless heads, the scars and stuff, they all seemed like normal kids. For once I got to see them active and energetic. I really got to bond with them and form real relationships with them. I was a real "ate" to them, and they were like little brothers and sisters to me.

Shucks. Hahaha, I'm soooooo hooked!!

2007-04-11T22:38:00.000+10:00

Hey you.

I missed you. Those late night conversations were absolutely wonderful. I'm happy because we're back to where we started, from scratch. But then I'm gonna try as much as possible to stop being a girl about all about this and pretend that I wasn't thinking of a future with you just because of those text messages. It's too early to tell.

But I'm praying. God knows I regretted taking you for granted. I'm praying for another chance. You're a good person and you deserve to be treated better.

2007-04-04T01:48:00.000+10:00

2006 Bar Exam results are out. Oh God. In around 5 years or so, I will be one of those people outside the Supreme Court either rejoicing or ranting. Oh God.

Because I was bored (and inspired by the bar results), I checked the website of Ateneo Law School, and got to see the results of the entrance exam for next school year. Unfortunately, my friend did not pass (unless I was blind or something, that I didn't see her name).

One more year and I'm almost there. But then, how sure am I that I really am gonna pass? I, for one, know that my friend is waaaaayy smarter than me, and waaaayy more interested in becoming a lawyer. How do I measure up to that?

Blech. I just don't wanna disappoint my dad. He believes in me so much, that sometimes, I myself am swayed. I start thinking that I'm something I'm really not, just because of his faith in me.

It's oveeeeer!!!

2007-03-29T02:05:00.000+10:00

Ok, this is it. Junior year is officially over. The next time I walk through the halls of Ateneo, I will be a senior. Fourth year. Graduating. God. You don't know how scared that makes me feel.

No, I'm not feeling nostalgic about the year that has been. Junior year was okay. It was a year of stepping up and actually having responsibility for something bigger than just myself. It was a year of welcoming new experiences and new friends. I have no regrets about what happened this year, probably, the reason why I'm just steady about the whole end of the school year thing.

I'm just scared for next year. All the seniors have been saying that it'll feel like the shortest year ever, and it'll just fly by without us noticing it. As much as I'd rather not think about it, I just can't. Today's orals marked the end of my junior year, and started my way through senior year. I'm just really, really, really scared.

The reason why I'm feeling bad.

2007-03-28T02:30:00.000+10:00

My dad is now unemployed. Well, technically, not really unemployed.. more like demoted. Fuck.

You know why? Ay, no. I'm really not in the mood to share why. Let's just say... money can make otherwise good people into scumbags. There.

I'm scared. My whole life, my dad has been my wall. Seeing him being strong for everyone in our family during our trying times made me strong. In the same way, seeing him as he is right now -- sulking, and pretending to not care about the whole thing although it is SO obvious that he's shaken by the turn of events, is draining all my energy from me, both emotionally and physically.

Sometimes, I wonder, is it really worth it to be idealistic and to cling to your principles regardless of whatever happens? My conscience (otherwise known as my idealistic self) says yes. However, there's still this side of me that says the complete opposite. In an ideal world, people with principles are praised for believing in the things they believe in. But then that's not what happens in real life. The people who have principles are exactly those who pay for the mistakes of others.

I'm scared. This "situation" will truly test my strength, more than anything else. Total lifestyle change. No car, no driver, no beach, no gimmicks, no shopping. If you know me, then you'd know that basically, my whole life will change. Fine. I'll say it. I'm scared of being poor.

I'm not saying that to put down other people. I'm saying that because that IS a fact. I'm really scared, so don't judge me for that comment, ok? It's a legitimate possibility, since right now, my dad is going LOA, and while he's not going to the office, he won't get his salary, no trips abroad. Basically, no source of income, but his and mama's pension.

But more than that, I'm scared for my dad. After all, it's not easy having to accept that, especially if you know you did nothing wrong. I'm running out of things to say to make him feel better. I'm mad, fucking mad. Now I understand the people who do really, really, really bad things to those who have hurt their loved ones.

Punyeta, ipapakulam ko yung boss nyang corrupt eh!

And you know what sucks all the more? TODAY IS MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY. Fuck.

2007-03-24T21:39:00.000+10:00

See, I'm still not yet done gushing about this movie. I wanna watch it again. and again. and again. and again. Whew.

I wanna marry a spartan man. Not only do they have nice bodies (woohooo! 6 pack abs were all over the place), but they have respect for their women. (Okay, that part probably wasn't real, but then, it's just nice to dream, right? Haha.)

It really sucks that they all had to die just because of one scorned hunchback. It's so unfair to die just because of that. Hahaha, okay. I'm done gushing. I have to finish a paper for com 111 by tomorrow, and I haven't even started yet. Great.

300

2007-03-24T04:00:00.000+10:00

Great movie. Hands down.

Yes, I'm not a loser anymore. I finally got to watch 300, and for once, all the hype about it was true. Beautiful cinematography, visuals, and directing. Haha, thanks to Fr. Nick and COM 111, I was looking for all the cinematography and editing effects all over the place.

Watching 300 made me miss how much I loved history when I was a kid. History is always a story about the triumph of humanity, no matter how depressing or frustrating the events are. For me, what I loved about history was that it's always a story of victory, even though it may not be obvious at first glance. And the fact that it happened to real people, made it even more special.

History remembers the victorious. However, somewhere out there, there's bound to be somebody who remembers the other side of the story. King Leonidas, you were not forgotten, despite Xerxes' threats of erasing your name from history.

Okay. More about this tomorrow. (I think.)

why am I still up?

2007-03-22T02:42:00.000+10:00

12:42 am. Wow. Parang walang pasok bukas ah. And to think I even have a long exam tomorrow. Hahaha. Goodluck to me! Yay!

Another wow, for the way I've been blogging lately. Three days in a row! I must be bored. (or, I must really have lots of things to say -- yeah, that's most likely it.) That doesn't even count my posts for my other blogs. :)

So why am I still up?

I'm waiting for the forum in ABS-CBN, the one where they get three senatoriables at a time and interview them about a specific topic.

Haha, I know what you're probably thinking. How hypocritical of me. Haha. :)

Well, actually, it's actually quite interesting. Having to see which senatoriable has things of quality to say and having to see "respectable" people mumbling incoherently when put on the spot is actually quite enjoyable. I'm really learning a lot -- about how unworthy some of the senatoriables are. So far, in the three episodes that I've watched, Chiz Escudero was the best. He was very eloquent, concise, and the fact that he talked in a way that does not intimidate the audience is very admirable. It's tempting to use such highfaluting words and complicated and specialized terms when in that situation, just to be able to look like a smart person. The fact that he did not do that, gives him plus points in my scoreboard. :)

Chavit Singson's in today's episode. Imagine him having to talk about corruption and transparency. Oh God. What a hypocrite. Haha, he's actually just talking about nonsense, thanks to Maria Ressa's question. Imagine him having to ask a question about how he helped ease corruption. This is exciting. Haha. ;)

Papa and I were having this conversation a while ago about how different senatoriables of these past years are different from the senatoriables of his era. He said that those people, Diokno, Tanada, and others, were really deserving of their position. They had real issues to fight for. They were passionate about really serving the country, not like now, when if you think about it, these people are just in it for the pork barrel. What a waste.

Sometimes thinking about these things make me feel really hopeless. I'm twenty years old and these things are happening to the country. It's turning into trash! I don't blame people who choose to leave the country. If I had the means to, and if my dad wanted to, I probably would do the same thing. But because I have no choice but to stay here, I have to put up with everything.

But then there's still this little voice inside my head that's telling me that everything's not hopeless... that there's still hope. I don't know. One thing I know, though. I want to serve, and when I say service, I mean service in the small scale. Things change little by little, and I want to help try and change those little things, that will eventually grow into significant changes.

Wow. Bayani na ito. Haha, atenista eh. Man for others.

Ok, tulog nako.

thanks for the ego boost.

2007-03-21T02:38:00.000+10:00

I thought I was better than that. Apparently, I was wrong.

Thank you to all the people who told me that I didn't need to do that. Thanks for all the kind words, the expressions of concern and what not. I'm tempted to actually believe those things that you said, but then when I go back to the real world (that is not online), things are back to where they started. Suddenly, your words don't seem to matter. All that matters is how I measure up to what society thinks is beautiful.

Yes, I am admitting my insecurities.

It would be ideal to say that I am not affected by what society thinks is beautiful, but truth be told, I have been fooling myself for the longest time that I didn't care.

Guess what, I DO CARE.

Vanity? Maybe. I read somewhere that most Filipina women want something changed in terms of how they look. Yay, I'm part of that statistic. I want to change myself, and honestly, its not even for health reasons. I just want to be pretty. I want to be able to wear clothes that I want to wear. I want to be able to do whatever I want. I want to be treated like any other girl. I want my friends to look at me the way they look at other girls. I want to show another part of me that I haven't been able to show before. I want to be able to take risks.

Omg. Did I just blurt that all out or what?

The secret's out. I am not invincible. I'm not happy anymore.

At this point, the easy way out is just to say that I'm happy being the way I am right now. But I am not going to allow myself to think that anymore. I've spent my whole life pretending I was happy, when I really wasn't. Pressure is the key. Pressure.

I'm back!

2007-03-19T23:08:00.000+10:00

Hello blog, I'm back. After a hiatus of more than a year, I'm back to blogging here.

Today I fixed my minoring. I'm finally minoring in Cultural Heritage, something that I found that I liked. I'm not really sure if I'm going to be able to use the minor degree in my future, but what the heck, I like it, that's what should matter, right? After all, a minor degree should be something you enjoy, since it's just a minor. The major is what should be taken seriously. :) But why should you believe me? Hahaha. :)

Last day of Philo 102 class was today too. I was kinda sad about it all ending, my being a student of Mr. Tolentino, that is. I spent around 8 months slacking around in his class, but my last 2 months were really fruitful. I was kinda feeling bad because I knew I wasn't making the most of Ateneo's philosophy classes, but my last 2 months of Ph102 kinda made up for it. Now I understand why Ateneo forces all its students to take all 12 units of Philosophy. It really is life changing, to some extent. Levinas rocks my socks! --- that somehow sums it all up.

I'm really looking forward to having Sir Tolentino for 103 and 104. He made Philo so enjoyable this year, that I even felt that it wasn't to be taken seriously. (Thus, the reason for my 8 cuts in 1st sem and my 10 cuts this 2nd sem. Hahaha.)

For some strange reason, I'm really into this whole Magis thing. After 3 years of bumming around, I guess I'm now officially brainwashed by the Ateneo. Good grief.

2006-01-20T11:10:00.000+10:00

It was a good idea that I spent these past few days reading up on my past entries in my livejournal. It seems like I've found what I have been looking for. I saw how I once was, the mamaleigh that I left some months ago just because I didn't want to be her anymore. The romantic, sensitivie one, not the cynical and numb person I am today.

So what happens now?

Well, for starters, I'm making this conscious effort of bringing her back. I want to be her again, even though there's a really big chance of me getting hurt. I should learn that not all pain is bad. After all, in a functionalist perspective (ok, I'm getting too much SA101.), i wouldn't appreciate how good it feels to be happy if I have not really felt pain.

Ok whatever. I'm going to class.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T02:59:00.000+10:00

One thing's for sure, when I grow old and start having my family, I'm gonna have more than 2 kids.

I'm satisfied enough with my family, yes, but when this season comes along, that's when I feel incomplete. And it doesn't help that my sister's 8 years older than me. The silence and the alone-time is very much welcome, but sometimes, the silence just pierces right through me and there's nowhere to go, nobody to talk to.

Anyway, I'm just glad the season's almost over. Here comes another 12 months of dreading how my next Christmas season will be. In the meantime, I'm gonna have to start burying myself in books and handouts.

Split personality

2005-12-17T02:49:00.000+10:00

I'm scared. I feel like I'm going to have a personality/identity - related crisis sometime soon.

Lately I've been getting confused with what I want to do and what I want to be. As I was telling Allan a while ago, I don't know which side of me to show people. I want other people to think of me as some sosyal person who's very pampered, who hangs out at the hottest clubs and shops at high-end shops . I don't know why, there are just some times that I want to exude this aura, especially when I know I look presentable. No, scratch that -- especially when I know I look fabulous. Hahaha.) But then there's also this side of me who wants to reach out to other people -- by other, I mean those less fortunate. The kythe kids, NSTP kids.. the less fortunate in general. But how do I blend in, right?? That's when my jologs self comes out. Hmm.. actually, now that I think about it, I'm just jologs, period. I enjoy talking about the kinds of things that the masses enjoy.

I don't know.. should I even think of this as a dilemma? This just sounds weird to me. I know people have different personalities when socializing with different kinds of people, but then, I come from the extremes! That's what I feel weird about.

Anyway, I'm crossing my fingers that I won't have any breakdowns soon. God knows I don't need anything like that at a time like this. The Christmas Eve being just 8 days away is torture enough. But that's for another entry. :)

Friendships

2005-12-13T01:09:00.000+10:00

It still never fails to amaze me that out of the 2000 people in my batch, I ended up with my group of friends.

Of course, fate has something to do with it. It's not even a question. Who knew we had this much in common?

I feel like we have this unspoken agreement: Never to show you're hurting inside when you're with the group. We all have our personal struggles and problems, but when we're together, we never talk about it, unless it's very, very urgent. Yet the support is still there, unspoken, but still very much felt. It may seem unfriendly, not being able to express your inner self to your friends, but sometimes, that's exactly what we need. An opportunity to put on your mask, but this time, because you want to, not because you have to. And with it, is the knowledge that you can remove your mask anytime, and nothing will change.

I've written so many things about them, I've said so many things already, but I still cannot properly describe the depth of the relationship I have with them. Suffice it to say, I have found friends I know I will keep for life, and this is not just for show. I really mean it this time.

I've had friendships that failed, and yes, I did have the choice to salvage it or not. I could've done something to save it, but the question is not in my ability to save the friendship. I simply just felt there was nothing to save anymore. My efforts would just be wasted because I felt we would never have the same relationship we had. I've grown too much.

Of course I couldn't say what will happen in the future, but I promise, even if we grow in different ways, I will do my best to keep my friendships with my block alive.

Hospitals.

2005-10-27T18:06:00.000+10:00

I miss my mom so much, it hurts.

While most people are freaked out by hospitals, I'm the complete opposite. Hospitals feel like home to me. Watching nurses come in and out of rooms, doctors checking in on their patients, IV's dripping into a patient's arm -- these all feel so familiar, so comforting.

This must probably be the reason why visiting Nikki in the hospital was such a familiar experience. To tell you the truth, I missed it. I missed having to go to the hospital immediately after class, spending my whole weekend in the hospital room, playing with the wheelchair and even watch the nurses give medication. I miss having to hold mama's hand whenever someone would come in to extract whatever it was they needed.

Even before all these happened, I already used to spend so much time in the hospital. Visiting mama in the ward and watching her do her job was what I used to do every afternoon as a kid. The other nurses and doctors would become my playmates, and they'd show me how to do their stuff.

It has been more than three months, yet these memories are still fresh in my mind. It's weird to say that I'm looking forward to having to do these things again, because that would mean someone very dear to me would have to be hospitalized. Who would want that, right? I guess the bottom line is, I just miss my mom and the things I used to do for her and the things we used to do together. It's just normal, I know. But easy as it may be to say, it's not easy to accept.

Contradictions.

2005-08-30T20:10:00.000+10:00

Life's full of contradictions. You take time out to discover more of yourself, in hopes of settling the battles you waged against yourself, yet you find more contradictions that fires up your battle again.

Unfair. Yes, it is. But what IS fair? It's just a word, with no illustrations in real life.

Why bother believing in things you haven't seen or experienced?

In my quest to find answers to quench my inner turmoil, I ended up waging an even bigger battle against myself. I hate it. Why did God give me a brain in the first place? Why not just let me feel the hurt? Here I am, anxious to find some reprieve from my mental anguish, and I end up, with even more stress.

Why, Lord, Why?

Forgive me Lord, I am again questioning your absolute knowlege. You're molding me to become a better person, to help me get ready for the battles that lie ahead. Please just make me strong.

Please.

hang-ups

2005-08-08T18:41:00.000+10:00

A relationship is crumbling into pieces right in front of my eyes. I don't know whose fault it is, I don't know who to blame for this, and that makes me wonder if a friendship could really last forever.

You're probably not reading this, at least I hope you're not. I'd hate for you to know what I'm thinking right now, because I know the issue's just with me, in me. I'm sure you don't think that you're doing anything wrong. I've changed, I know. I've evolved into a more sensitive person, and somehow, you don't understand that. I have no control over the changes that I'm going through. It's my way of coping, I guess. I'm not putting the blame entirely on you guys, because I know I've become harder to get along with. But if you should know, you've changed too. In fact, I can't even find any traces of the people I used to get along with. It's like you've created your own world that I couldn't enter. And you've brought with you people that you want to be with, and sadly, I'm not one of them.

We're both probably being too insensitive to each other's feelings. That's probably it. Here I am, wanting you to understand where I'm coming from, when I don't understand what you're going through too. In fact, I don't even know a thing about you anymore. We've become strangers in just barely 2 months. I'm puzzled by how a friendship I thought would last forever could just dissolve in a matter of 2 months.

I don't know how we could bring things back to what it used to be. I don't even know if that's even possible. I don't know.. maybe we've just changed too much.

tell me where it hurts, and I'll do my best to make it better

2005-07-31T14:26:00.000+10:00

When all has been said and done, and you've said all that needs to be said, what else is left? Are we now stronger because of this? Or did we just rush the inevitable, and showing our vulnerable selves in the process?

The silence was comforting, to say the least. I have mixed emotions, and I don't know where to start. On one hand, yes, I needed that. I needed that cry, uninhibited and unconscious. But I had so many things I would've wanted to say, to at least make them understand what I'm going through. I know I'm starting to have relationship issues, the paranoia is slowly creeping in and I know one day it's going to take over me. They're going to be affected by it, but I didn't have the courage to bring out more weaknesses. Now I don't think I'd be able to tell them anymore. (unless they read this entry, but still, the issue's very vague.)

On the other hand, what did we resolve? Did showing these very different sides of ourselves make things any different? Would it make us treat each other differently? I guess the answer lies in the days ahead.

I guess the block "recollection" thing was a double edged sword. Now, I'm scared by the closeness we're now experiencing. I don't want to lose people I love again.

Turn down these voices inside my head..

2005-06-11T01:38:00.000+10:00

When you're top, there's no other place to go but down. No matter how much you try to hold on that giddy, happy feeling, it just slips away. I woke up really happy, and now, I'm about to sleep feeling awful.

I refuse to even consider that part of this is because of what a friend told me a while ago. No, I'm not going to elaborate. I'm leaving it as it is. I've done this so many times, so this is no different. I just feel so stupid, parang hindi na ko natuto.

I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. The slightest comment from anyone, and I burst in tears. I'm keeping my happy moment in my livejournal, but here, I need to just pour it out, though I have no words to explain it. I just feel like any minute now, everything's gonna come crashing down. I sound really paranoid, I know. But sometimes, I wish everything could just be steady. You know, no extreme bursts of happiness or sadness. It exerts me too much, emotionally. I feel like an emotional see-saw. One day I'm really happy, the next day I'm crying my lungs out. I can't keep doing this to myself.

Loving Hale

2005-05-31T14:27:00.000+10:00

Haha, I so love Hale right now. I've never stopped listening to the cd, though technically, the cd's not mine. (Haha, sorry Tina! Di ko pa nababalik, di pa tayo nagkikita eh! Nilulubos-lubos ko pa!) God, their songs are so.. SWAK! Haha, yun na yun. Can't find the right word to describe just how their songs make me feel. :)

Anyways, I'm still hyped up by the TnT training! :) My body still hurts and my throat's still aching, but what the heck, the memory's still fresh and I wanna keep talking about it! Too bad I just can't talk. Haha. :)

What I should have posted last May 12

2005-05-24T02:09:00.000+10:00

Things will never be the same. Period.

Ugh. Can you think of anything more cliche than that? If there's one thing this experience has taught me (aside from the fact that we can only lift things up to the Lord), it's this. Yes, it did take a few bonks on the head to make me understand this very simple sentence, but I think I do get the idea now.

This kinda seems timely, since I've been reading stuff about change on some of my friends' livejournal entries. I myself hate things changing drastically. I hate it when at the last minute, my plans have to change for some reason. I hate it when people I've grown fond of suddenly leave. I hate it when people leave without warning. Believe me, I could go on and on with this, just to show how much I despise too much change in my life, but what's the point? It's not as if I can stop change from happening. What will happen to my life then?

Okay, I'll just cut to the chase. I'm writing this to relieve my stress, tension, or whatever you may call it. I'm just so overwhelmed by what's happening right now! Of course, it has everything to do with my mom's situation, and our family's too. Okay, here it is.

I can't take the responsibility.

Oooh.. that's a first. Me, Leigh, the person you run to for help, running away from responsibility. Suddenly I'm in charge of the whole household. I check the bills, call companies who fail to send in their bills, check the groceries, deposit/withraw money, write checks, handle the stuff concerning the house being rented out, make sure all the cars have enough gas, even make sure that my dad's shirt and tie for the next day match! And also make sure that his towels have been replaced and all that. Argh. Instead of feeling 18, I feel 40.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, in fact I should be happy for the extra year/s of practice doing all these things, but it just feels scary, you know? Handling so much, with my parents constantly looking over my shoulder, making sure things are going their way. Bottom line is, my idea of the 18th summer of my life is spending it with friends, going to bars, malls, or beaches. Not doing things adults with families do.

Okay, I bet I sound really selfish and everything, and trust me, I'm not normally like this. This is just a spur of the moment thing, and if you ask me again about this some other time, preferably when I've thought more about our situation, I'm sure this isn't going to be my reaction to what's happening.

Revival

2005-04-28T01:47:00.000+10:00

I just read the last paper I wrote for English 12, and to tell you the truth, I don't know how I feel right now. It's a reflection paper, for those who don't know.. and it's supposed to contain how a certain event in your life affected your whole being. I don't know what drove me to write all those nasty things about myself. I think I projected myself as a spineless brat, who didn't have her own opinion. Argh.

What made it even worse was the fact that I think I kinda made it seem like I'm just going to church and "looking" for Jesus just to make my friends think that I'm one of them. You know, it kinda made me think too. A few months back, I was so into the thought of Jesus being the center of my life. He still is, don't get me wrong, but lately, my priorities seem to be a bit twisted, and I hate it. I think I just need revival.

Okay, I'm going to make a confession here. While I was in Boracay, I smoked again. Not just one, but A LOT. Argh. Shoot me. I guess this gives you an idea how weak my determination is to stay on that straight path to godliness. I don't want to be like this. I really don't. There's probably something wrong with me, because I keep looking for revival, when I should be well aware of God's presence everywhere. I wish I could be one of those people who have really strong faith.. then I wouldn't be so easily tempted by worldliness (is there even such a word??) and material things. In other words, I need Jesus back into my life.. badly.

Lord I've come to know
the weaknesses I see in me
will be swept away
by the power of your love..

Time.

2005-04-24T03:50:00.000+10:00

It took me around 5 months to realize this. I make my own problems. I think too much. I stress over things I shouldn't stress about. In short, it's my own fault why I look older for my age.

Why does everything in my life revolve around a 10 letter word that should not have any meaning anymore? Why is it that after 5 months, I'm still not over it? Shit. You know why? Because I think about it too much, making me remember more things about the way things were before, making it harder for me to get over it.

Okay, now I need something to make me stop thinking about it.

Indifferent. Read at your own risk.

2005-04-04T23:54:00.000+10:00

The Pope is dead, but I can't even muster enough sympathy to even watch the specials being aired about his life. Having been a catholic for 17 years of my life should make me at least sympathetic. I mean, I cried for Rico Yan, but why can't I even mourn sincerely for the Pope? What's wrong with this picture?

Take note, I'm writing this in my blogspot account because.. 1) less people read this blog, compared to my lj, and 2) I might offend some people. Now, let me just remind you that this is just me, doing what I do best. Ranting and expressing myself. So, I'm not writing this to bash the Catholic Church or anything, I'm just writing this because this is how I feel.

Remember way back in Grade 2? When the so-called "sembreak" (late october, early november) lasted for around 2 weeks because of the World Youth Day and the teachers had to give us modules to do during the break? When we were forced to memorize the song "Tell the world of His love" with matching actions for the WYD? When we were fed with the thought of the Pope being the holiest man on earth or something like that? Well, I remember it vividly. I was a kid that believed all that. But in the 10 years that had passed since that, something happened to me that brought me back to the real world. (I'm not even gonna discuss that. I guess it's all part of growing up.)

Now, the Pope's dead. I find it hard feeling sympathetic with the excessive media attention that is given to his passing. It suddenly feels too COMMERICIAL.. if you know what I mean. Suddenly everyone wants to be in Rome, to take part in what should be a peaceful passing/event. The news programs have nothing to report but what's going on in the Vatican, and to tell you the truth, I'm getting sick of all that. Imagine, hourly updates about what the Pope's wearing, which popular person came and all that. I mean, do I really need to know all that???

Of couse, now a new Pope has to be elected. It's a nice ceremony, I think, having read about it in Dan Brown's Angels and Demons. But I can't help but think realistically. A Pope is merely a symbol of the Catholic Church, but he holds such great power all over the world. I can't help but think that there's politicking involved in the voting by the Council of Cardinals. Now, where's the Holy Spirit in that?

Again, I'm not bashing anything or anyone. The Pope deserves to be given respect since he served God and the world faithfully, but then there are still more important things. Lost somewhere in the flurry of things is the fact that the Pope is also a person, just like us and only God is worthy of all praise.

cold.

2005-03-16T19:51:00.001+10:00

No, I'm not being cold, at least I don't think I am. I'm just giving myself space because I know it's gonna be hard once this sem's over and we're gonna be starting another sem with lots of changes. You know how much I hate people leaving once I start opening up to them, so I'm just making this a bit easier for me. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit selfish here, but hey, it's not as if I don't talk to you guys anymore, right? Nothing's changed, really. :)

Oh yeah, I so appreciated what he did yesterday. I mean, I didn't expect him to miss me THAT much, but I think he did. Hehe, I missed you too, chong.

Wishing

2005-03-08T22:22:00.000+10:00

I haven't been spending so much time with my block lately, so if you guys are reading this.. HI!! HEHE.. MISS NYO NA KO NOH?! HAHA.. :) Oh well, I just realized that one of the things I really miss is my "alone" time. You know.. Just being alone, reading a book, lying on the bed, watching tv and laughing alone. That's what I miss. Soon, I'll snap out of this, don't worry. Hehe.. :)

Anyways, I really don't have anything to say in here. Hmm.. I'm just thinking about a few things and wishing for SOMETHING to happen. I'll keep that "thing" personal. If that "thing" I'm wishing for does come true, oh boy.. I'll be so happy, I'll be in tears. No, this does is not about my grades. (but if I do get a decent grade, especially in math, I'll be crying my heart out too.. out of happiness!) Hmm.. I think I better stop thinking about it now and start studying for my Lab test tomorrow. :)

Scared.

2005-03-01T22:23:00.000+10:00

I'm getting really scared. This is not good. I'm scared that since I think I'm slacking off, everything's gonna pile up and bury me. Arrgghh.. I hope not. We have the botany report tomorrow. Please pray for us. I really hope Maam Tolentino doesn't eat us alive.

In exactly 17 days, my freshman year's going to be over. Oh God. On one hand, I'm really glad that my HELLWEEKS are going to be over soon, but on the other hand, I'm just really scared because everything's going to change. Again. You know me, I hate change. Arrgghh.. Time really does fly by, doesn't it? Who would've thought that it really has been 10 months since I first stepped into the halls of the Ateneo to confirm, and later run across the grounds on ORSEM day? No, I didn't expect it to be this fast. I know it's a bit early to reminisce and look back, so I'm going to save that for a later entry.

Oh yeah, I'm back to my old lay-out. This represents me better than the old one. The old one's too girly. Blech!

A Sudden Epiphany

2005-02-24T00:41:00.000+10:00

Okay, I'm way over the drama of the past week, and now I just realized that my lay-out is soooo not me. Gawd, I need to change it. Soon. This girly-girly thing is bothering me.
It's now 10:45 pm and I've been sitting in front of the computer since around 7:30. So far, I've only done the requirements for NSTP.. the reflection paper and the conversation papers (okay, not REAL conversation papers.. I kinda made up some of them.. haha..).. I've got a million more things to do. I'm not going to enumerate all of them here, this is not my lj and I vowed to only write serious stuff in here.
Okay, so what serious subject to talk about? Hmm.. Nothing, actually. My brain is now mush. I think I should stop writing now.
By the way.. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we won't be asked to run around in circles tomorrow for taekwondo. Damn, it's hard to run without shoes on!!

contemplating suicide

2005-02-21T00:13:00.000+10:00

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Last week wasn't the first time I thought about committing suicide, but it was the first time I really thought about it seriously. It was the closest time I came to actually doing it. God, I don't even know what I'm doing writing about this. I guess last week was just utter hell, in all the aspects of my life.

You know what always stops me? The thought of "Ano kayang iisipin ko kung kakilala ko yung gumawa nun?" Well, duh. Knowing me, I'd brush it off as a sign of weakness. I'd think that that person was weak, and that he/she wasn't thinking clearly.

I was on the verge of committing it friday night. Literally. Though I don't know if overdosing on sleeping pills really will kill me, I was ready to drink the whole pack, if I found some. Fortunately, I only found around two.. and that's all I drank. All it gave me was a good night's sleep. I woke up feeling rejuvenated (slightly), and feeling stupid for the things I thought about the night before. And I guess that wasn't enough. I went to chuch today feeling a lot better, only to find out that the preaching was about that. I shouldn't complain why God always gives me troubles and problems, in fact I should be thankful. And why do I have to really cry and cry about my problems? I can't just seem to remember that IT WILL ALL PASS. It always does. I just had to get caught up in all the drama.

Looking back, I feel so stupid. I mean, why would I even think of doing that?! Never again.

highly volatile.

2005-02-18T00:01:00.000+10:00

Emotions seem to be running wild these days. I drove home all the way from the hospital tonight crying. Yes, from East Avenue to Pasay. ARrggghh.. that's one long crying session, if you ask me.

I cannot start to explain what has been happening these days. It's too complicated. I just feel like everything's falling apart. Its like the sandcastle I painstakingly made being washed away by the waves. You just stand there looking at it, longing to do something but you can't. It's a force you just cannot stop.

Now my eyes are all puffy and red. I can't even start doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I have no place to hide from all these. I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. There's no silver lining, nothing to make me look forward to waking up.

Much as I hate to admit it, I'm starting to think that I never want to wake up.

I'm just being pathetic. Feel free to skip this entry.

2005-02-14T15:24:00.000+10:00

I's spending Valentine's Day here in Ateneo's CTC, typing this entry because I couldn't figure out what this is I'm feeling. If this becomes one of the most mushiest ones I've written since I started blogging, then I'm sorry that you even bothered to read it. I told you not to, right?

Well, to answer your questions. I'm in black today because it suits my mood. I'm bitter not entirely because of what I saw last night, but just because. (See, I'm really not making sense here..) It's the first Valentine's Day I'm spending without a "loved one", so it feels kinda different. Nothing to expect, nothing to be excited about (even though i end up getting disappointed). This should not elicit such a violent reaction from me, but it is. I just can't help it.

I used to be a mushy person, didn't I? When did I start being so cold and unfeeling? I make myself believe that I am irritated by love and the gestures that people do to express it, but in truth, I used to be so interested in all of it. When did I change? Was it because I became conscious of what people would think of me? Or was it just because I started to think rationally, to believe that dreams don't come true for people like me? Oh God, I'm treading dangerous waters here... I'm afraid to answer my own questions.

Right now when I'm starting to think that I'm perfectly fine all alone, this just has to come up. ARggghh.. I just wanna sleep and wake up, as if this day never happened.

Somewhere underneath all the crap, you can find what you're looking for.

2005-02-10T22:46:00.000+10:00

I am looking for.. yep! You guessed it. I'm looking for myself. I seem to have lost myself under a pile of papers.. or under some trash lurking inside my bag and under my bed.. or behind the computer. God knows where.

I'm losing myself. I spend less and less time with my CSA friends and when I'm with them, I find myself feeling out of place. God, I feel so awful for saying this. Old things I used to laugh about are no longer funny. Old topics that I used to love talking about no longer interest me. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

Two paths were laid in front of me. I made the choice, I have to live with my choice. This Leigh you see right now might not seem like the real me, I may not seem fun to be with for you anymore, but this choice brings me such happiness that I cannot even start to describe. You can call it a natural high, I guess. I don't need cigarettes, or beer to make me fun and lively. (Though I really do wanna try marijuana.. just a puff.. haha..) I feel so invincible, so light, so complete.

I still want to live my old life... once in a while... but I'm sticking to this for the long haul.

battles against one's self

2005-02-07T02:23:00.000+10:00

Papa just got back home from the states, and though he just spent a week there, I missed him terribly.

Papa hasn't joined us in Church for the past month, and honestly, that's what I miss the most. I missed having him there to cuddle up to whenever I feel sleepy and want to doze off for a little while. I miss having him there as a buffer whenever they're doing something I'm shy to do, and I just want to stand there looking like a stranger to everything.

Speaking of Church, there is precisely something I don't want to do but I want to do. Getting weirder? Well, you can put it this way. My mind tells me not to do it, but my heart wants to. Which one to follow? I know the answer deep down. I should follow my heart. But why must this be so hard?

I guess the only obstacle in my way is that I don't have any other friends in Church aside from Auggie and Kuya Eric. It's just this thing I've had since I was a kid. I don't make the first move to make friends, or if I do, it takes such a long time before I decide to talk to them. Doesn't sound like me? Well, believe it. I really am like that. And to think Kuya Eric and Auggie aren't even technically "my friends". They're just my tita's sons. (tita: my mom's friend)

I want to do what the youth are doing because: 1. I have a calling and I know this is what God wants me to do. 2. It looks like fun. 3. I want to enjoy going to Church and not dread it. So far, I've been doing okay. I've laid off the curse words now, and content myself in saying "shemay" or "shucks" whenever I have the urge to curse badly. I've even stopped smoking, though it's proving to be very hard. I have these mood swings whenever I see people smoking in the smockets. I keep licking my lips for some reason. Arrgghh.. So basically that's it. That's all that has changed. I do want more things to change, though. Like this "being more active in Church" thing.. I really wanna do it.

I just need to overcome my inner demons. Stop thinking Leigh. Start using your heart.

comfort in your strangeness.

2005-02-02T23:53:00.000+10:00

What inspired the title? Simple. Cynthia Alexander.

woke up this morning
i was staring at the ceiling cracks
and the roadmaps and landscapes and highways

i have seen
i have been to places
far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in your strangeness

of moving shadows
when i call the wind by name
singing ether water fire
singing earth singing air

i have seen
i have been to places
far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in your strangeness

we are slaves to the crimes we commit
in fits of passion we shame
we are nothing we are nothing
we are nothing we are nothing but

the dust on your feet
dying to be born again
singing ether water fire
singing earth singing air

i have seen
i have been to places
far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in your strangeness

....There. Nothing really, I just like the song. It's not something I'd normally listen to, but guess what, I like it.

I'm tired of familiarity. I'm tired or routine. Can someone please give me something else to do? I don't wanna go on with this line of thinking, I know where this is leading me. I'm just going to end up ranting on and on about my life, and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Is it possible to be selfish yet be generous? Is it possible to be happy, and at the same time be confused? Is it possible to be searching for something and be happy at the same time?

Yes. They're all possible.

an open letter to YOU.

2005-02-01T23:30:00.000+10:00

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. Must be some kind of bug, given that it's the first day of Febuary and everything. (Gee, why didn't that sound right?) I just saw your friendster posts and I looked at your profile.. Does that make me a stalker now? Your smile can still turn me to mush, even after years of not seeing each other. Okay, obviously, I'm not making sense here. I don't even know what to say to you. Honestly, I don't even miss you anymore. So why the hell am I writing this? Again, I have no definite answer.

Must be nostalgia kicking in. God, I sound like an old lady. It's been.. what, 4 years? Has it been that long? I can still clearly remember how I'd wait by the phone every night waiting for your call. How I'd stop studying just to talk to you, and hear your comments about "Tamahome", when you knew all along that it was you I was talking about. I wish you could've told me that you knew all along, you could've spared me a lot of anguish. It's been 4 years since I started calling Maan to tell her how our conversation went, to tell her how kilig I got when you say such mushy/cheezy things to me.

How ignorant I was then. To misconstrue your being a good friend as something else. I never wanted to, I guess I just got carried away. I think I should be sorry for that. I'm sorry.

I don't have any ulterior motive in writing this. I doubt that you're even gonna read this, but I wish you a good life nonetheless.

oops. my mistake...

2005-01-10T22:12:00.000+10:00

What was I thinking advertising this blog to my friends? Arrgghh... That was a wrong move. I shouldn't have done that. Now I couldn't write about really personal stuff here, since there's always the threat of my friends being able to read this. Arrrrgghh.. Now I'm really paranoid.

There's really something I just wanna let out, something that happened today. But unfortunately, I can't write it in here. Doesn't that just suck? Oh well, what's done is done.

Basically, all I wanted to write about was: a) I get pissed at the smallest of things and I usually just need time to get over it. b) I'm such a martyr. I want other people to be happy despite my unhappy state.

There, that's it. I can't elaborate anymore, sorry.

Now, I'm going back to my math homework.

*** I don't know if you're going to notice this, and if you're going to notice what I wrote up there, but just in case you do, don't be paranoid, k? It's nothing. I've been this way since I was a kid and you had no part in turning me into one. I've had harsher heartbreaks and I've survived, so don't think that this is a big deal, okay? :)

Priority check.

2005-01-09T15:23:00.000+10:00

I do treat my friends equally, right? This is meant to be a rhetorical question, but it is with great doubt that I ask this.

I just read something that left me dumbfounded. It led me to think of this, my priorities when it comes to friends. This is something I really do take seriously, because I don't want my friends to feel that i'm neglecting them and I don't want to lose the connection, if you get what I mean. I will always be a moron from 1J, a friendship from 2I, and more importantly, a berx from 3H, a squatter from 4C and a PGC member. And now that I'm in college, I'm also proud to be a BB. Now, if only there are more than 24 hours in a day, and more than 7 days in a week, I can make time for all these groups of friends. Unfortunately, there are only 24 hours in a day and there are only 7 days in a week, so what's a girl like me to do?

Going to 2 parties in a night and going to 2-3 get-togethers in a day has become a normal occurence, just to get to spend time with all my friends. But no matter how much I try, there are always gimicks that I couldn't attend do. Is that considered ditching? I sure hope not. I would never intentionally ditch a get-together, especially if I already said that I would go.

Well, back to my question. Do I treat my friends equally? I'd really like to say yes, but I'd be lying if I said so. Of course I don't. I can only make time for the last 4. 3H, 4C, PGC (barkada) and BB. Not that I'm being unfair... My 1J friends don't go out anymore, and so do my 2I friends. I rarely even get to talk to them anymore. Sadly, even my 3H and 4C friends don't even go out that much lately. Probably because of school and all that shit.

So what's a girl like me to do? I guess I'm doing quite okay like this. I do get to go out with them once in a while, but that doesn't stop me from missing them terribly.

typing problems/gym

2005-01-09T03:04:00.000+10:00

God, the subject seems so shallow. Haha, what the heck. My wrists hurt because of too much typing. I've been online since around 9 pm, (it's now 1:11 am) chatting with friends and blockmates (about a paper we're supposed to write). That explains this.

Anyways, after Jho, James and I got back to Ateneo after watching a movie in Gateway yesterday, Jho and I decided to drop by Moro gym to check out and inquire about the gym. (duh.) Ok folk, yep, you guessed it! I'm finally going to the gym. Regularly! Php 950 a month is worth it if I'm gonna lose lots and lots of weight. Hahaha.. :) I just hope this does push through and I won't become lazy after a few sessions. And yeah, I hope I won't become insecure.

Gotta love BB!

2005-01-07T23:12:00.000+10:00

My blockmates (me, Kari, James, Patis, Vany, Ai, Patricia and Jho) hung out at Starbucks Katipunan at 10 am yesterday, in hopes of being able to study for the dreaded Botany LT today. I was hoping for my 5 hour break to be productive, but alas, nothing happened. By the time we decided to leave (because apparently, nothing was happening.), only me, James and Kari were left. They had all gone to their respective classes.

So what did we talk about for around 3 hours? Uh.. Lots of things. Love. Life. Pain. Friendships. Sex. Everything. It's just one of those BB conversations that leaves you feeling secure because you know you're not the only one who thinks a certain way. For some reason, most of us (as far as I know..) have the same goals and ambitions. Haha.. weird. And most of us have the same principles.. It's just so funny when we talk about this stuff because it feels surreal. I can talk to them about the Philippines' political/economic/social/religious situation, history, the world in general, society and anything else under the sun, and we'll all have something to say. Nothing beats that.

You know what else was surreal yesterday? The fact that I was able to admit to James that I did make a mistake. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Hooray for me! :)

***I was supposed to write about the "love" part of the conversation yesterday. Good thing I changed my mind. I'm going to stop talking about it now. :)

i have no plans of sleeping tonight.

2005-01-06T23:51:00.000+10:00

After almost 3 weeks of procrastinating and putting off writing this Lit paper, I'm finally done with it. I spent roughly 2 hours writing a 2-page analysis on the poem Traveling Through the Dark by William Stafford, and my brain is toasted. I know it's not much, but hey, how long can I stretch the idea "There are consequences in taking risks."? I think 2 pages is enough.

I have no plans of sleeping tonight because I definitely have to cram for my botany LT. My prof sucks so now I have to study everything right from the start. Damn. I'm sure I'm going to look dead tomorrow. Argh..

classes/layout/stuff.

2005-01-06T01:47:00.000+10:00

I got roughly 3 hours of sleep last night, that explains why I was unusually perky a today. Weird, huh? Oh well.. Today was okay. I mean, I was happy I got to see my friends again, but it wasn't what I expected it to be. Maybe I was just having an off day, maybe not. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the weather. Ugh. Stop it. I'm just making a problem out of something perfectly ordinary.

I have a new layout, by the way. It's different from the one I did last night. I kinda like this better, it's not too girly, but it's still obvious that the owner of this blog is a girl. I just have to fix the tagboard a bit.. Hahah, you can't see the words you type! Sorry.. :)

Anyways.. about the stuff part. Nothing really.

new layout

2005-01-05T11:36:00.000+10:00

it's been so long since i last updated here. haha.. around.. 4 months! haha.. well, at least i'm back.. with a new layout! haha.. :)

sheesh, it's 11:40 pm and i still have a 7:30 class tommorow. i better not be late. i wanna start the year RIGHT. well, what's right isn't what's easy, so i guess i better sleep now. haha.. ill post tomorrow. :)

bfwsmb suck (thanks to ramlo.)

2004-09-27T23:02:00.000+10:00

admit it leigh. ayaw mo lang cyang mawala sayo.

bfwsmb suck (thanks to ramlo.)

2004-09-27T22:58:00.000+10:00

admit it leigh. ayaw mo lang cyang mawala sayo.

masaya?

2004-09-20T22:56:00.001+10:00

haaayy.. this is so sad. i never seem to learn my lesson. if i remember correctly and if assume correctly that this is IT i'm feeling, then it's gonna be my 6th MISTAKE, and i have a feeling this is going to be the WORST.

someone please strangle me already. ayoko na talaga. please lang.

i dont wanna ruin the friendship. i know myself already and i know that this is bound to happen. this has to STOP.

i don't want to be the FRIEND anymore if this is going to happen. can i just DISAPPEAR from the face of the earth for a while?

friendships

2004-09-09T13:58:00.000+10:00

..for my barkada.. i know im not the only one feeling this weird (? wala akong maisip na ibang word eh!) thing going on between all of us. kaya here goes. im gonna try my best to tell you what im really feeling, though i know most of you wont even get the chance to read this.

i know mariel's feeling this strange thing going on between us na. oo nga naman, nung nagpunta na nga lang tayo sa bday ni yeng, mejo parang may gap na tayo. im really trying my best to keep us all together din. im doing my part naman eh.. kaya lang parang its still not enough. honestly, im losing ground here.

you know the feeling when suddenly parang wala ka nang silbi? ganun.. parang napakawalang kwenta ko na and feeling ko kung mawala ako, you wont even notice. yun. that's what im feeling when im with you lately.

you have your own lives and new friends and everything. i have mine too. sometimes naffrustrate na lang ako ng todo, parang ayoko na gumawa ng effort, kaya lang, hindi naman tama yun eh. what's even more frustrating is that im feeling left out . yun na yun eh.

my high school life revolved around you guys. kayo lang talaga yung dahilan kung bakit ako pumapasok pa sa school araw araw. maybe i've become too dependent on you, kaya ngayon na we're naturally moving on with our new lives, mas nahihirapan din ako. im not saying goodbye or anything, pero let's face it. we're bound to have different lives from now on. we just have to accept that. kaya nga dapat itreasure yung mga minsan na kumpleto tayong magkasama eh.. ang problema nga lang talaga, parang iba na kayo eh. pati na rin ako, kc aminado namang may pinagbago na rin ako eh.

depression

2004-09-05T18:31:00.000+10:00

life sucks. if i could live life in a different way, i would. im so sick and tired of not living up to everyone's expectations. i just wanna escape. im kinda feeling out of it recently. even those who i expect to be there for me seems nowhere to be found. i don't even think they know how i feel right now. friendships seem superficial, and i feel that i really am alone in bearing my burdens. ah, shit. shut up, leigh.

- livejournal entry _leigh_

so bakit ko yun sinulat? ewan ko. ang hirap iexplain eh. sometimes i just feel so alone and alienated from everyone around me. even those whom i consider closest to me don't seem to be found. maybe my mom's right. i depend too much on my friends. friends come and go while family's always there for you. tama kaya yun? i used to think highly of my friends. ngayon, hindi ko na alam. we seem to be moving on in different directions and kahit na gano ko kagustong ibalik yung dati, i just can't.

i'm slowly breaking down. my foundations seem brittle compared to the new world that life has brought upon me. i used to think i was strong, but now, i'm having second thoughts. i want to make my own mistakes, and i still do. but i can't take on life on my own. i need all the support i can get. but helow, no one seems to be there for me.

bakit laging may sablay sa bawat masayang okasyon?

2004-09-02T22:48:00.000+10:00

block dinner namin kanina kasama sina joboy, cong, en and vevs. dapat masaya ang buhay ko, dahil makikita ko nga SIYA, pero bakit ganun? parang ang hirap?

aminado naman akong hindi seryosohang crush toh. hindi siya yung tipong seseryosohin ko at iiyakan ko pa eh. pero bakit ganito? hindi ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko? nung nakita ko siyang paparating, bigla na lang akong pinagpawisan at ninerbyos. ang bilis ko na magsalita at parang nagmamadali. hindi ako makakain ng maayos, ni paghinga ng malumanay ay hindi ko magawa. bakit ba ganito?

hindi ko rin syempre maalis sa aking sarili na magselos kahit konti. ang hirap naman kasi eh, parang lahat sila, nakakausap nila siya ng matino. may pa-akbay akbay pang kasama! samatalang ako, ni matingnan cya ng diretso ay hindi ko magawa. nung nag "bye leo" cya sakin, hindi pa rin ako nakatingin eh! ang hirap talaga ng ganito. sadya ba talagang itinakda ng tadhana na maging sablay ako sa mga ganung bagay?

hay nako, bakit ko pa rin ba iniisip ang ganitong mga bagay? baka hindi lang ako makatulog nito eh. yan tuloy, imbes na gawin ang essay ko para bukas, ito ang inaatupag ko. ang hirap, todo.

sige, aaminin ko na rin. dahil dito, nagstugz ako ulit. jusko naman, bakit ba tuwing nagkakaganito ako, stugz kagad ang nasa isip ko!? naiinis na rin ako sa sarili ko eh. pero ewan ko ba, parang hindi ko mapigilan na kapag nandyan ang stugz at nasstress ako, magsstugz ako. naisip ko na nga rin na baka magiba tingin ng blockmates ko sa akin eh. pero ano bang magagawa ko? ito ako. hindi na ako pwedeng magbago para sa ibang tao. kung gusto kong magbago, dapat para lang sa sarili ko.

kaya para sa mga taong nainis o naweirdohan sa akin ngayong araw na ito, sorry. ganito lang talaga ako pag hindi mapalagay. sana lang maintindihan ako ng mga tao dahil maski ako, hindi ko lubusang maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman ko. basta alam ko, pagod na ako at gusto ko nang matulog.

trying to make my life better

2004-08-31T22:53:00.000+10:00

ever since i've started studying in THE Ateneo, i've been slowly losing myself. i've been doing things that i wouldn't normally do in normal situations. in other words, i've been putting up this facade of a person that's almost me, but not entirely.

but how can i be myself when i don't know who i really am?

meaningless thoughts that would just go on and on and around and around.

most people strive to get in a good school so that they could go on and make their family proud and all that. people usually feel smart when they get into a really good school, but not me. i know i'm not stupid and i'm not a ditz, but lately, i've been feeling like one.

it's just that there's always competition around me that i can't just study at my own pace and in my own way! everyone's friggin better than me in everything and i still haven't found my niche where i feel comfortable academically.

i guess i just couldn't help being mediocre.