Thursday, March 29, 2007
Ok, this is it. Junior year is officially over. The next time I walk through the halls of Ateneo, I will be a senior. Fourth year. Graduating. God. You don't know how scared that makes me feel.
No, I'm not feeling nostalgic about the year that has been. Junior year was okay. It was a year of stepping up and actually having responsibility for something bigger than just myself. It was a year of welcoming new experiences and new friends. I have no regrets about what happened this year, probably, the reason why I'm just steady about the whole end of the school year thing.
I'm just scared for next year. All the seniors have been saying that it'll feel like the shortest year ever, and it'll just fly by without us noticing it. As much as I'd rather not think about it, I just can't. Today's orals marked the end of my junior year, and started my way through senior year. I'm just really, really, really scared.
let it go
29.3.07
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
My dad is now unemployed. Well, technically, not really unemployed.. more like demoted. Fuck.
You know why? Ay, no. I'm really not in the mood to share why. Let's just say... money can make otherwise good people into scumbags. There.
I'm scared. My whole life, my dad has been my wall. Seeing him being strong for everyone in our family during our trying times made me strong. In the same way, seeing him as he is right now -- sulking, and pretending to not care about the whole thing although it is SO obvious that he's shaken by the turn of events, is draining all my energy from me, both emotionally and physically.
Sometimes, I wonder, is it really worth it to be idealistic and to cling to your principles regardless of whatever happens? My conscience (otherwise known as my idealistic self) says yes. However, there's still this side of me that says the complete opposite. In an ideal world, people with principles are praised for believing in the things they believe in. But then that's not what happens in real life. The people who have principles are exactly those who pay for the mistakes of others.
I'm scared. This "situation" will truly test my strength, more than anything else. Total lifestyle change. No car, no driver, no beach, no gimmicks, no shopping. If you know me, then you'd know that basically, my whole life will change. Fine. I'll say it. I'm scared of being poor.
I'm not saying that to put down other people. I'm saying that because that IS a fact. I'm really scared, so don't judge me for that comment, ok? It's a legitimate possibility, since right now, my dad is going LOA, and while he's not going to the office, he won't get his salary, no trips abroad. Basically, no source of income, but his and mama's pension.
But more than that, I'm scared for my dad. After all, it's not easy having to accept that, especially if you know you did nothing wrong. I'm running out of things to say to make him feel better. I'm mad, fucking mad. Now I understand the people who do really, really, really bad things to those who have hurt their loved ones.
Punyeta, ipapakulam ko yung boss nyang corrupt eh! And you know what sucks all the more?
TODAY IS MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY. Fuck.
Labels: family, ideas
let it go
28.3.07
