Saturday, December 17, 2005
I'm scared. I feel like I'm going to have a personality/identity - related crisis sometime soon.
Lately I've been getting confused with what I want to do and what I want to be. As I was telling Allan a while ago, I don't know which side of me to show people. I want other people to think of me as some
sosyal person who's very pampered, who hangs out at the hottest clubs and shops at high-end shops . I don't know why, there are just some times that I want to exude this aura, especially when I know I look presentable. No, scratch that -- especially when I know I look fabulous. Hahaha.) But then there's also this side of me who wants to reach out to other people -- by other, I mean those less fortunate. The kythe kids, NSTP kids.. the less fortunate in general. But how do I blend in, right?? That's when my
jologs self comes out. Hmm.. actually, now that I think about it, I'm just jologs, period. I enjoy talking about the kinds of things that the masses enjoy.
I don't know.. should I even think of this as a dilemma? This just sounds weird to me. I know people have different personalities when socializing with different kinds of people, but then, I come from the extremes! That's what I feel weird about.
Anyway, I'm crossing my fingers that I won't have any breakdowns soon. God knows I don't need anything like that at a time like this. The Christmas Eve being just 8 days away is torture enough. But that's for another entry. :)
let it go
17.12.05
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
It still never fails to amaze me that out of the 2000 people in my batch, I ended up with my group of friends.
Of course, fate has something to do with it. It's not even a question. Who knew we had this much in common?
I feel like we have this unspoken agreement: Never to show you're hurting inside when you're with the group. We all have our personal struggles and problems, but when we're together, we never talk about it, unless it's very, very urgent. Yet the support is still there, unspoken, but still very much felt. It may seem unfriendly, not being able to express your inner self to your friends, but sometimes, that's exactly what we need. An opportunity to put on your mask, but this time, because you want to, not because you have to. And with it, is the knowledge that you can remove your mask anytime, and nothing will change.
I've written so many things about them, I've said so many things already, but I still cannot properly describe the depth of the relationship I have with them. Suffice it to say, I have found friends I know I will keep for life, and this is not just for show. I really mean it this time.
I've had friendships that failed, and yes, I did have the choice to salvage it or not. I could've done something to save it, but the question is not in my ability to save the friendship. I simply just felt there was nothing to save anymore. My efforts would just be wasted because I felt we would never have the same relationship we had. I've grown too much.
Of course I couldn't say what will happen in the future, but I promise, even if we grow in different ways, I will do my best to keep my friendships with my block alive.
let it go
13.12.05
