Friday, February 18, 2005
Emotions seem to be running wild these days. I drove home all the way from the hospital tonight crying. Yes, from East Avenue to Pasay. ARrggghh.. that's one long crying session, if you ask me.
I cannot start to explain what has been happening these days. It's too complicated. I just feel like everything's falling apart. Its like the sandcastle I painstakingly made being washed away by the waves. You just stand there looking at it, longing to do something but you can't. It's a force you just cannot stop.
Now my eyes are all puffy and red. I can't even start doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I have no place to hide from all these. I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. There's no silver lining, nothing to make me look forward to waking up.
Much as I hate to admit it, I'm starting to think that I never want to wake up.
let it go
18.2.05
Monday, February 14, 2005
I's spending Valentine's Day here in Ateneo's CTC, typing this entry because I couldn't figure out what this is I'm feeling. If this becomes one of the most mushiest ones I've written since I started blogging, then I'm sorry that you even bothered to read it. I told you not to, right?
Well, to answer your questions. I'm in black today because it suits my mood. I'm bitter not entirely because of what I saw last night, but just because. (See, I'm really not making sense here..) It's the first Valentine's Day I'm spending without a "loved one", so it feels kinda different. Nothing to expect, nothing to be excited about (even though i end up getting disappointed). This should not elicit such a violent reaction from me, but it is. I just can't help it.
I used to be a mushy person, didn't I? When did I start being so cold and unfeeling? I make myself believe that I am irritated by love and the gestures that people do to express it, but in truth, I used to be so interested in all of it. When did I change? Was it because I became conscious of what people would think of me? Or was it just because I started to think rationally, to believe that dreams don't come true for people like me? Oh God, I'm treading dangerous waters here... I'm afraid to answer my own questions.
Right now when I'm starting to think that I'm perfectly fine all alone, this just has to come up. ARggghh.. I just wanna sleep and wake up, as if this day never happened.
let it go
14.2.05
