Thursday, February 10, 2005
I am looking for.. yep! You guessed it. I'm looking for myself. I seem to have lost myself under a pile of papers.. or under some trash lurking inside my bag and under my bed.. or behind the computer. God knows where.
I'm losing myself. I spend less and less time with my CSA friends and when I'm with them, I find myself feeling out of place. God, I feel so awful for saying this. Old things I used to laugh about are no longer funny. Old topics that I used to love talking about no longer interest me. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!
Two paths were laid in front of me. I made the choice, I have to live with my choice. This Leigh you see right now might not seem like the real me, I may not seem fun to be with for you anymore, but this choice brings me such happiness that I cannot even start to describe. You can call it a natural high, I guess. I don't need cigarettes, or beer to make me fun and lively. (Though I really do wanna try marijuana.. just a puff.. haha..) I feel so invincible, so light, so complete.
I still want to live my old life... once in a while... but I'm sticking to this for the long haul.
let it go
10.2.05
Monday, February 07, 2005
Papa just got back home from the states, and though he just spent a week there, I missed him terribly.
Papa hasn't joined us in Church for the past month, and honestly, that's what I miss the most. I missed having him there to cuddle up to whenever I feel sleepy and want to doze off for a little while. I miss having him there as a buffer whenever they're doing something I'm shy to do, and I just want to stand there looking like a stranger to everything.
Speaking of Church, there is precisely something I don't want to do but I want to do. Getting weirder? Well, you can put it this way. My mind tells me not to do it, but my heart wants to. Which one to follow? I know the answer deep down. I should follow my heart. But why must this be so hard?
I guess the only obstacle in my way is that I don't have any other friends in Church aside from Auggie and Kuya Eric. It's just this thing I've had since I was a kid. I don't make the first move to make friends, or if I do, it takes such a long time before I decide to talk to them. Doesn't sound like me? Well, believe it. I really am like that. And to think Kuya Eric and Auggie aren't even technically "my friends". They're just my tita's sons. (tita: my mom's friend)
I want to do what the youth are doing because: 1. I have a calling and I know this is what God wants me to do. 2. It looks like fun. 3. I want to enjoy going to Church and not dread it. So far, I've been doing okay. I've laid off the curse words now, and content myself in saying "shemay" or "shucks" whenever I have the urge to curse badly. I've even stopped smoking, though it's proving to be very hard. I have these mood swings whenever I see people smoking in the smockets. I keep licking my lips for some reason. Arrgghh.. So basically that's it. That's all that has changed. I do want more things to change, though. Like this "being more active in Church" thing.. I really wanna do it.
I just need to overcome my inner demons. Stop thinking Leigh. Start using your heart.
let it go
7.2.05
